Christmas wish come true

Well i got the best news two weeks ago when i went to the doctor. THAT I AM PREGNANT!!! It was an exciting day and i couldn't believe my ears. When the doctor told me i started to cry because i was so happy. Because it has been about 3 1/2 years that we have been trying. Its crazy we just got our first ultrasound yesterday and it was a very cool experience to see our baby for the first time. We can't wait till our baby will be born in July. It pays off to have faith and be patient with the lord even though it may not be the easiest thing to do. Its easy to look back already and see how much this whole experience has changed me and Tyler and how we have grown closer together. We can't wait for all the rest to come but we will and it will be great. I hope this gives all those ladies who have trouble with infertility more hope. I am not trying to brag or rub it in your faces i just wanted you all to know and to say keep the faith and be patient because it will happen and to not stress about it also because that can sometimes hinder it.

Update

Well its update time again and i am feeling a whole lot better. I am on my second round of fertility drugs. The first batch didn't work at first when i heard that it made me kind of disappointed but i soon realized that i wasn't being patient and understanding that my body has to get well before it can work. This time i feel really good and i am having faith that the med's are working. This time around i have been really emotional and want to cry over everything. I know that i needed to learn patience before having my children and think i am finally grasping the concept. I also have hope given to me because a friend of mine just found out she is pregnant and she has P.C.O.S too and so its exciting for her and i am truly happy for her. It really helped me grow in a new way to be happy for her. I am crazy busy with school and know that i will get pregnant while i am busy and focused on other things. So lets just say i am feeling very hopeful and trying to keep the faith.

11 years ago today i was sitting in a classroom next to my best friend watching the chaos unfold in the eastern United States. I am proud of all the men and women who lost their lives and those who are protecting us and fighting for us. I just wanted to share a thought with you that i had today and give you all an update. I am on fertility drugs now and my doctor and i feel great about this step its just to help it along so that i can get pregnant. I just got on some new med's today and have to be on them for five days. I feel really great about these steps i still have my days where its hard to deal with but i know that i was given this trial for a reason and i am so glad for it. I heard a thought in church and thought you know what i have not thanked the lord for this trial and so a couple days later i knelt down and thanked him and told him how grateful i am for it. I know that its hard and it will always be something that i look back on later and life and be like if i can handle that then i can handle anything. My thought that i wanted to share with you is that we can't focus on all the worldly things and such we have to let Christ be our guide. And it just clicked with me that in the past i was saying this that i will be happy when i have a baby but that us unrealistic and not trusting the lord that he knows what he is doing and will bless me with whatever my heart desires and that my time is soon. So i have decided to be happy with what i have for now and when that baby comes i will appreciate it a whole lot more than i would if i had one right at this moment. SO be happy and content with life and it will be your greatest success.

So new developments in my struggles. I ended up going to the doctor because i haven't been feeling well for about 3 months. My doctor said that my p.c.o.s has had a flare up again and my body has not ovulated in quite a while. So that is what my whole problem has been. So they have upped my medicine and are trying a new medicine to jump start my ovaries into ovulation. He was really positive and wants me to stay positive. He says that i could get pregnant in September if it works. Its amazing that even though I thought I was better. I knew that it had come back and made it so my children can't come to me yet. But i know that this is the Lord's path and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I don't want to offend anyone but i have had something on my mind for a while and i just want to say it, its to no one specific but its to have my own peace of mind. Sometimes the trials in our path are put there for our own benefit and we may not truly understand it but its there. We just have to learn to accept them. It may be as simple as becoming depressed or it may be something as complicated as losing a child. But we have to love the things we have and love the reasons why we have those things to deal with. The Lord knows what we can and can't handle so we just have to trust him. I also want to share a good thought for everyone it is a parable about preparing the fields for rain. These two farmers were going through a terrible drought and the one farmer was praying and preparing his fields for the rain but the other farmer was just praying and not doing the preparing of his fields. Who do you think had the most faith? The one who was preparing, right? Because he had the faith that the rain would come. So i compare that to my life and my struggle i have to prepare my body to have a baby not just mentally but physically. We have to prepare and keep the faith. I want you all to be positive because it really does help with the situation.

Trying

No matter what i do and what happens it seems that i can never escape the little drops of doubt that jump into my mind. I know that it is something that i will always have to deal with and i know that it will get easier with time and become easier with each positive result. Sometimes i wish that my body was normal and that it would make my life easier but i know that i have to deal with this trial because if i didn't then i could have even harder trials. The last few months have been crazy i finished my first semester back in school and i have been really sick lately but the doctor is not sure what is going on so i have to go back in to see him in a couple of weeks. It terrifies me to think about because i don't want to go in and be told that my cysts have come back or something worse has shown up, i don't know how i would deal with that. I know it sounds like a ridiculous reason for being scared to go to the doctor but for me its something that will haunt me to this day. I still remember that day and i will never forget it because it has made me the person i am today. It has strengthened me in more than one way. I met this awesome girl who has the same syndrome i do and she also has a friend that has it that has now had kids. We got to talking about how it feels not to be able to conceive and to not what is going and why the lord decided that we have to go though this. But we have decided that you can never forget that the lord hand picks our trials because he knows our strengths and weakness's we also discussed that to go through infertility you have to be really strong mentally and physically because it is a long hard road and the emotions and feelings that you go through from day to day can really take a toll on you mentally and physically. I also wrote a fairytale for my children for one of my final projects. I realized that i wanted a creative way to tell them what i am going through and this will help them better understand what negative thoughts can do to ones outlook on life. I will continue adding to the story until i feel like its finished but i am very proud of it and want to share it with everyone and i will share it soon but not yet.

Some thoughts

For those of us who have to deal with this or even infertility, i think most of us feel this way that when people say `you have only been married for a little bit give it time, or when they say to me your so young don't worry about it your time will come. Some people do not know how we feel or what we have been through. The disappointment and depression is not easy to handle. But let me tell you this that we are not given this trial unless we can handle it. We of those who have this must be very strong to take everything. This is not something that we can just forget about and never think about it. Its always in the back of our minds. It just bugs me that some people sit there and tell me that they know how i feel and that everything will work out and to leave it up to god. But they don't understand that this is a sensitive issue and that there is fear behind it. We may be afraid to go to the doctor because the last thing we want is to get a negative answer or to be told that our "disease" came back or that there is soemthing else wrong with us. Its terrifying to think that and to experience it. You cannot force us to go to the doctor when we don't feel like we are ready to handle the answer. Also its annoying when people who are healthy and didn't have any trouble getting pregant compaare themselves to you and what you are going through. I am not saying any of this to be mean i am stating i how i feel when people say these things to me. Becasue honestly it makes my blood boil and i try to stay positive but when people say things to trigger these thoughts i cannot get rid of the them because it affects me deeply. So please if you know of anyone or this is you know that there are others out there that are going through the same things you are.

Feeling Really Hopeful

So about a two months ago we moved into a house that we share with my brother and his wife. Than about one month ago i started school. As soon as we moved i just stopped having doubts and second guessing myself, i finally feel so hopeful and at peace. A couple of weeks ago was mothers day, i thought it was gonna be hard for me like it was last year. But i didn't have that feeling, i mean i did a little bit but feeling at peace about things really helps. I know that god hears the desires of our hearts and he will bless us with those desires when he feels that we are ready for them. I know i used to think that god was punishing me by not giving me a baby when i wanted one. But i realized that he wasn't and that i just wasn't ready yet. But all the time i am feeling more ready and by the things that my wonderful husband says to me i know he is feeling ready to. We just have to remember to be patient and listen to what god has to tell us with and open heart. I know from first hand experience that it is really hard to listen and follow god's plan for us. But i know that if we do we can gain more answers than we ever thought before and always having the faith that god knows what we desire. I also wanted to share one last thought with you.... God has told all women that we are all mothers.... So never forget that and have faith.... Focus on something else and it will happen faster than you think

SO proud of myself

SO i took a big step today, I feel happy for my brother and his wife for having another baby. I just didnt understand the way i was feeling. After many talks and many blessings. I finally understand why god wants me to wait for a baby for just a little bit longer. I have to be paitent and focus on other things and before i know it i will be pregnant myself. I went and talked to my sister-in-law and expalined to her that i want to be like the godmother. I want to know everything first and help with everything. I know that if i focus on others then i will be blessed with the desires of my heart. God knows when the time is right for us to have things and i need to trust in that and have faith that god knows what he is doing. I do know that i will have children soon and that god understands and hears my prayers. And that he wants whats best for us even though we may not think that they way things are being handled in our minds is the right way. Also i think what helped me the most was when my sister-in-law showed me compassion and understanding. Thats what i needed yesterday but i wasnt getting it and i think thats part of the reason i was feeling the way that i was feeling. But i am happier and cant wait to be involved in everything. :)

Three steps forward one step back....

I was doing so well and then the new year hit and i feel like i have not had so much paitence. I have not been thinking postive. Especially this last weekend, it was just not a good weekend. I think because its such a long hard road to deal with polycystic ovary syndrom.
I watched the show one born every minute about a month or so ago and there was a lady on there that had this and the doctors told her that she would never have children and then finally after some years she was able to get pregnant and she ended up have quadruplets. When she talked about how she felt she discribed everything that i was feeling. How she felt bad cause she couldn't give her husband kids and how she felt jealous when saw other women pregnant and she wanted so badly to be that way and she couldn't be. But little did she know that her time was coming. That she would soon give birth to four babies. It let me know that i am not the only one feeling this way and dealing with it.
Well this last weekend i did not have that outlook on life. I started feeling sorry for myself and thinking negatively and etc. Then my brother told me that him and his wife are expecting their 3rd baby. That just put me over the edge. I am upset and sad that its not me too. I honsetly not to be mean but i don't feel happy for them. I want it to my turn but i know my body needs to heal and gain the strength for me to carry a baby. I know that they are happy about it and i am not jealous, but i dont feel happy for them. its just how i feel and somthing that i will have to overcome in time but they need to understand and give me time. I have to jump this hurdle and know that my time will be here when i least expect it.
I am going to be going back to school in april and become a dietican so i can help others better their lives and help them to know that they are not the only ones having these struggles in their lives.
Also for those of you who dont understand this maybe this will give you more perspetive on how all us ladies who have this or who struggle to get pregnant feel. When you complain about getting pregant and not expecting it, we of us who have a hard time getting pregnant we are just thinking well at least you can get pregnant and we sit here struggling with this and you dont understand that we so badly want something that we cant have yet and god will bless us all with babies sooner than later but we just want understanding and support and for you to be grateful for the children you have or are gonna have.
So i am hoping that i can get over this and have paitence and understanding and knowing about this. I want people to know how i feel and what i struggle with each week some weeks are bad and some are good. I dont think this is going to be one of my good weeks. But i will try to look at the glass half full instead half empty. But if your in my shoes, i know how you feel and we can struggle with this together. Also with the loving suport of my parents and my wonderful husband i will get past this especially with his help and support and love.