So new developments in my struggles. I ended up going to the doctor because i haven't been feeling well for about 3 months. My doctor said that my p.c.o.s has had a flare up again and my body has not ovulated in quite a while. So that is what my whole problem has been. So they have upped my medicine and are trying a new medicine to jump start my ovaries into ovulation. He was really positive and wants me to stay positive. He says that i could get pregnant in September if it works. Its amazing that even though I thought I was better. I knew that it had come back and made it so my children can't come to me yet. But i know that this is the Lord's path and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I don't want to offend anyone but i have had something on my mind for a while and i just want to say it, its to no one specific but its to have my own peace of mind. Sometimes the trials in our path are put there for our own benefit and we may not truly understand it but its there. We just have to learn to accept them. It may be as simple as becoming depressed or it may be something as complicated as losing a child. But we have to love the things we have and love the reasons why we have those things to deal with. The Lord knows what we can and can't handle so we just have to trust him. I also want to share a good thought for everyone it is a parable about preparing the fields for rain. These two farmers were going through a terrible drought and the one farmer was praying and preparing his fields for the rain but the other farmer was just praying and not doing the preparing of his fields. Who do you think had the most faith? The one who was preparing, right? Because he had the faith that the rain would come. So i compare that to my life and my struggle i have to prepare my body to have a baby not just mentally but physically. We have to prepare and keep the faith. I want you all to be positive because it really does help with the situation.

Trying

No matter what i do and what happens it seems that i can never escape the little drops of doubt that jump into my mind. I know that it is something that i will always have to deal with and i know that it will get easier with time and become easier with each positive result. Sometimes i wish that my body was normal and that it would make my life easier but i know that i have to deal with this trial because if i didn't then i could have even harder trials. The last few months have been crazy i finished my first semester back in school and i have been really sick lately but the doctor is not sure what is going on so i have to go back in to see him in a couple of weeks. It terrifies me to think about because i don't want to go in and be told that my cysts have come back or something worse has shown up, i don't know how i would deal with that. I know it sounds like a ridiculous reason for being scared to go to the doctor but for me its something that will haunt me to this day. I still remember that day and i will never forget it because it has made me the person i am today. It has strengthened me in more than one way. I met this awesome girl who has the same syndrome i do and she also has a friend that has it that has now had kids. We got to talking about how it feels not to be able to conceive and to not what is going and why the lord decided that we have to go though this. But we have decided that you can never forget that the lord hand picks our trials because he knows our strengths and weakness's we also discussed that to go through infertility you have to be really strong mentally and physically because it is a long hard road and the emotions and feelings that you go through from day to day can really take a toll on you mentally and physically. I also wrote a fairytale for my children for one of my final projects. I realized that i wanted a creative way to tell them what i am going through and this will help them better understand what negative thoughts can do to ones outlook on life. I will continue adding to the story until i feel like its finished but i am very proud of it and want to share it with everyone and i will share it soon but not yet.