Remembering

As the days have went by recently I began seeing ladies who are pregnant and every time I think about getting on Facebook, I don't want to face all the pregnancy announcements, I don't want to see anyone who is pregnant. Because I am wanting and yearning for something that few really know what that is. I don't want to become bitter like I was back 5 years ago becoming bitter will only push those feelings for yearning and wanting. I remember how I was and how I absolutely didn't want to be around anyone who was pregnant. I remember that I hated feeling like at and I hated how it pulled me away from my faith. I don't want to remember those days but at the same time I need to remember to see how far I have come. How much my faith has grown, I know how much the lord knows the desires of our hearts, I need to remember my faith and my promise that I gave him. No matter what he is there he will listen he will keep us strong he will put many people in our lives to support us and give us the strength we need when we are feeling weak, when we are feeling like we are lacking the strength. It's hard to say what's really on my mind today but I don't want to be bitter like I was back then. I just want to tell all you ladies suffering with infertility to don't give up to not give in to your feelings of bitterness and hate. We cannot do that to ourselves we cannot let the infertility rule our hearts. You will get your miracle but having faith and strength in ourselves is what we all need. We need to support each other and let each other Know we are there for each one of us dealing with infertility.

Hard days

The last few days have been hard on me emotionally. Everyday I see people who are pregnant or just had a baby. I long for that again, I long for karson to have siblings, I long for that feeling of movement that no else can experience like you can. It's an interesting feeling to feel like that again in over four years. I long for these things and even though my health is a lot better than it was a month two months ago I always have that little doubt, wondering if karson will ever be able to have any siblings, if I will get to experience being pregnant again, will I ever get to experience the miracle of birth again? These questions have been running through my mind lately. No matter what anyone says to me like your so young, have faith it will all work out, don't worry about it it will just happen. But for me this is something that won't just happen it will be another miracle like my Christmas come true about 4 1/2 years ago. Those days are stuck in my memory and I feel like I am back there again. But this time I know I am stronger I know I have the faith, I know that my family will be there for me. I know I have the wildest craziest little blessing and I will be blessed again but it takes time and patience. Sorry for the little pity party today, it's just how I have been feeling lately and I am sure everyone with infertility problems suffers from these fleeting thoughts. Anyway on to happier things we have moved into a new place and are settling in. The surgery and my diet are helping along with exercise. The meds they put me on last month worked to help me ovulate so we are now on round two hoping and praying they work and make something happen hopefully.

Life turned into a whirl wind

So this last month has been wild after talking with the doctor about my treatment options we opted for surgery. I had surgery on July 5th during surgery they drained my cysts and checked my Fallopian tubes which were clear but the found endometriosis under both my left and right ovaries. The recovery has been really rough and I haven't even started feeling better from it until this week. I have been slowly improving since. I went for my post op on Tuesday and everything went well and the doctor started me on clomid. I have had horrible mood swings this time around which gives me hope that it will hopefully work and stick this time around. So that's where life is right now plus trying to find a place to live that's closer to my husbands work. Anyway I will keep you updated that's all for now

Treatment options

So I finally got to update you all since I went to my doctors appointment, my insulin test came back normal but just barley and then the 3 cysts eye gave me two treatment options e 1st was to wait to months and then go back and see if they went down following a strict diet and up dosage in medicine. Or to have surgery because I have pain almost every other day I opted for surgery which they will go in and drain the cysts, clean my Fallopian tubes and look for endometriosis and if there's that too then they will clean that up. I go in for my surgery on July 5th

Doctors appointment update

So today I went to the doctor for my insulin test and my ultrasound. They found 2 cysts on my left ovary and 1 on my right. We will not know until June 8th what the treatment will be. So that is where we are at and I will update as I know more

I never thought I would relive 6 years ago

So many things have went on where do I begin, I am now seeing a specialist to get to the bottom of why I am not pregnant still after 9 months of trying I feel lost. I feel like it's 6 years all over again. I never thought it would be this difficult again. But I guess I need to grow some more. The thing that hurts the most is every time that test comes back negative it breaks my heart just a little bit more. You may think well you have a child and should just be grateful and enjoy him and make the best of it and when it happens it happens. But to me it's more than that I want my son to have siblings and be best friends with them and expand my family more. But then I have to ask myself what if God never gives me a baby what if all hope is lost? Will I be okay with that? Will I always be yearning for one more chance to carry another baby to experience life in me once more? As I write these words I wonder if they are true and if you heart will always have that missing piece. Don't get me wrong I am happy and content with my life and family but it would be wonderful to mother more children. My husband has never given up hope and will always hold my hand tight while going through these struggles. My new doctor is doing some tests to see what is going on and see what needs to be done. After already losing one pregnancy in this process sometimes it's difficult to deal with it all. But no matter what I will try to keep my chin up and keep the faith. All you who are struggling hang in there we are all in this together.

Infertility is never easy

So update on what been going on they did the double dose of clomid but I was told that it didn't work and I wasn't pregnant again. You know its an interesting thing infertility. No matter how many times I go through this its always the same questions that run through my mind. Why me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't it just work? But then I remember this quote The Lord gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. This is going to be my trial for the rest of my life and I have to ask myself what if I can't have anymore children. Would I be happy with what I have? The answer is yes I will be happy with whatever the Lord gives us but it would be nice for Karson to have siblings. So the resolution to what they told me to today is to send me to specialist that can help me and give me better options and different things to try. No matter what I will always love the Lord and know that he knows the desires of our hearts and will bless us in his own time. Patience is the key here for me today but its always hard and will always be hard. No matter what I will love the Lord... Hang in there ladies if its infertility or other trials you are dealing with be patient and have faith. I will keep you all updated.

Fertility drugs the good and the bad

The interesting thing about taking fertility drugs is all the "wonderful" side effects that can happen to you. The other thing is the emotions. No matter what its always going to be hard for me to deal with this. I am in a constant battle with myself these days to not feel sorry for myself and to see the good in my life. Trying for more children this time around has been rough and we are now on our third round of fertility drugs. I am in a lot of pain this time because everything is doubled the strength. The other thing I am battling constantly is wishing that I was "normal" in that area, but its not. Then this sweet neighbor reminded me of something, not anybody can handle infertility and the things that come with it, we who have infertility problems are very strong and we need to remember that. We need to also remember that not everybody can do what we do we are the chosen that get to see first hand how miracles are made. So ladies don't get down on yourselves your stronger than you think and if your not getting the results that you really know are possible then go searching for the answers be brave ladies and hang in there your miracles are coming. Also for more info about what I suffer from P.C.O.S check out a website that I just discovered recently pcoschallengeinc.org

Infertility sucks

Being diagnosed with infertility problems is awful. Everyday is a struggle no matter what. Some days are better than others. Update on our journey we are now on are third round of fertility drugs starting today, all the medications are double the dosage and so there is lots of hormones and not knowing how my body will react its daunting. In other news we having been dealing with a sick child for a few weeks off and on and having no sleep doesn't help with all my emotions and everything. But we have a very high hope that this time it will work and stick. Dealing with all the medications is tiring on the body and the mind but everything will turn out to what is supposed to be. Anyway my mind is wandering so I will keep you updated on anything new that develops.